Hi Matthew! Obviously I know nothing about your situation or your relatiionship so I'm not here to judge. But I think it's interestng that you draw this parallel between your relationship with your ex-wife, and your son's relationship with you.
Your relationship with your son is not supposed to be equal. Your relationship with your wife is.
Sure, you should have made more of an effort to answer her questions, but doesn't she have any responsibility to stop asking a question that she knows bothers you? Especially as you were the one cooking most of the time?
I think the point you make at the end is really important. If, in any relationship, you treat the other person like it's their job to do as you say, they'll end up feeling like they're not good enough. Obedience does limit conflict, but compromise does so in a much more healthy way.